How to de-escalate an argument. We’ve all been there where you start out having a conversation and somehow it turns into an ugly argument. Sometimes you don’t even see it coming.
There can be many reasons why a seemingly simple conversation can escalate this way. Maybe it’s a tone of voice, a negative facial expression or an insulting comment. Arguing in a relationship is sometimes unavoidable and can actually be a good thing if conflict is resolved in a useful way. It is far more productive than keeping things bottled up, which results in resentment towards one another. However, when arguments turn nasty and negative patterns are repeating, it can cause damage.
So how do you get out of these negative patterns or arguing and how do you de-escalate it?
Try to avoid things becoming heated in the first place. Ok it sounds obvious but prevention is the best solution here. Try to reflect on any negative communication patterns you have developed. Be open to listening to your partner if they have noticed something you do. It is far harder to see it for ourselves sometimes so we must be open to hearing our partner out. Maybe they have noticed a negative communication pattern within us. It is also important that they are also receptive to you in this way. Like if you let them know that a particular word used makes you feel uncomfortable or the ‘eye roll’ you see makes you feel unhappy.
Avoid language that can cause the other person to feel defensive. For example saying things like ‘you won’t listen….’ or ‘you don’t care’ sounds accusing. Humans feel attacked when they are told who they are and what they do by another person. Instead, use ‘I feel hurt when’ or ‘I feel unsupported when’ which can feel far less accusatory. Talk about the effect their behaviour has had on you rather than the flaw that has caused the behaviour in the first place.
Avoid generalised statements like ‘ we never’ or ‘you always’. It may feel true to you in that moment of anger, however chances are you are exaggerating it and this can add fuel to the argument. Rather, use an actual example and say ‘ when this happened yesterday it made me feel …..’.
Have space to cool off, take a step back.
It is easy to recognise when our emotions are taking over our behaviour. But sometimes we still don’t recognise that this means we aren’t responding rationally so need to calm down. Do you sense that your emotions are too strong for you to be able to have a reasonable discussion? Ask for 20 minutes space and come back when you feel more level-headed.
It can feel tempting to let it all out when you are feeling all of those emotions but chances are you will do more harm than good.
Swallow your pride a little.
It’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong, it is not a competition. It is obvious that there are hurt feelings and whilst it can feel frustrating, remember that you are with this person and you care about them and they care about you, otherwise you wouldn’t even be in this situation! Knowing that you each care about the other can help you to accept that anything that may be said is coming from a place of hurt or worry.
If you need help with a relationship, we offer a FREE 20 minute telephone call to get you started on some relationship coaching to help improve your connection with your partner. Book yours here.